miau.
i wrote a new song today.
well. tried. its not done yet, still in its "creature stage" (spore) that was fun. and took the majority of my day. took a shit and then left the house to get my should;ve been free but its not really free starbucks(go down for details...)at tampines. i saw that stupid girl, that friend of weilings that i made cry years back cause she din't do her portion of work. i think her name is rachel. she and her kawai horny fag friends kept screaming in the bus. i would'nt given a shit but that stupid girl was wearing the hai sing school uni. i guess now that i;ve left hai sing it does mean something to me.


keyword today is selfishness.(sort of)


i guess i kinda remembered something i used to watch from movies,
a different kind of selfishness.
kind of like, selfishness lvl 2, if there is even such thing.

its the kind of selfishness that has the girl going like
'you're too selfish tom!' sobs loudly and turns away leaving tom gaping in total confusion

yeap.
its that trying to do things alone, beacuse you dont wanna bother or hurt people but in doing so preventing that people from loving you, or caring for you. that person is selfish in withholding others from loving him.

deep enough?

inspired from bryan going to dye his freaking hair*WHAT?* alone.
then i link back to all the times i did things alone.
and also how we argued yesterday about something closely related to this but forget already. about independance. dont wanna talk about it.. i can;'t handle too much shit for tonight. THUS. my thought is that assuming he wants to go alone, then i would be prevented from showing my *butterflies please* brotherly love by going with him.

MAN i'm deep.
*right.


then we have the basic level of selfishness.
the one that everyone can see, and feel utterly betrayed by it but if he blogs details about it, it will seem that he experiences emotions like a girl having her menses.(what??)but he does'nt give a shit cause the Person who loves him the most loves him for who he is.He even died for who he is,what am i talking about -.- well okay.

well. i'll just type it out anyway.gir or not i dont care!muahaha.*first person!!haha. what an adventure. place yourself in this persons shoes.me la obviously. imagine yourself as me as you read the events of today..enjoy.:D

first you rush off totally unprepared from queuing for starbucks special salvation army promotion thingy-

(on the 4th of dec only 5-7 pm that you just noted of via facebook via events via looking at firdaus' profile, free any drink and encouraged to make a donation of any amount, at which you saw roxanne afterwards and she called you cheapo but i dont thinkk sooooo.. only she and Father would know whyyy :D )

-because one of your best friends called you to watch the performance of his lifetime, you're so proud of him and you dont give a shit that you're dressed like an idiot (okay la, decent gym clothes cause you planned to have a nice gym session after coffee.) and you reek of sweat which thanks to being 18 i would think starts to spiral into the evil that is B.O, which comes upon one like a stealthy ninja. you never know when he hits you cause you never even notice he is just righttttt under your nose, or in this case, armpits or wherever the heck he came from. so you head back to pasir ris cause your cousins are waiting there for you to visit challenger to buy adaptors and you have kane's mom's IC number to get discounts.they awesomely buy you an expensive battery charger.. aww. then you rush to clementi seating on those corner seats beside an indian dude thinking and i thought going to china would be worse but still by tje grace of Father i'll love this guy by seating here all the way.....getting off clementi only to have stood in the lift with a pleasant lady who told you that you should have gotten off at dover which was so much nearer to NUS instead of clementi which your idiot friend told you to do so.pah.you run to bus station and you drop your invincible handphone again for the umpteenth time without cash in your wallet but trusting in God to provide cause thats what he always does without fail :) you ask the girl next to you wheres the nearest mrt and she says its pretty far away...... then you ask her again.. what about in nus? shes says yeap there are atms in nus..........(notice the lack of details you normally would'nt push out of a stranger as in doing so one would've risked his life..)so you board the bus and ask the driver perhaps too many times where the place is cause he's speaking in chinese all the time so you decide to just follow the girl whose all dressed up for Its My Life.(she wqas also there to see my bud as it turns out) turns out the nearest atm was a 5 minute jog away in your handy addidas jogging shoes which the aunty in the tampines train later asked if i had washed them in a long time because they smell.OR WAS IT THE NINJA?! you ask two girls near subway in nus wheres the atm and they tell you, up on the third floor and you start noticing the weird and rather extended more than needed lingering stare they give you before giggling and moving off.(its been a very long time, sorry.cheeky grin.)praise God there's money in the machine. but you only got 70 bucks left in there. lol. oh well. its for your best friend what. you'd do and sacrifice many things cause you love him as a brother.(pahh.)y0ou run back all heaving but glad you had some exercise..you are dumbfounded as the pua chu kang lady who plays Margret? tells you that tickets cost 21 bucks. you thought it was 10 but ooo well. you even ask is that the student price. maybe roxanne was half right and you're cheapo! and shameless to even ask that to famous actor MARGERET(lol the name is annoying and honestly it does'nt matter to you if she was margeret or liang popo or some stranger. you've met God for goodness sakes lol. imagine God was your receptionist, hi son, you've been naughty today ah! but whatever, heres your ticket. WHOA!lol.)so you clean off your sweat and try to look presentable amongst this annoyingly prom-ready dressed crowd as you wait for the ticket girl to let you into the show after a song so you would'nt disturb the show going on. margeret tried to help you by asking the girl but the girl had some instructions already. thats fine and cool. so when you got in you sit down and smile to yourself as you see your best bud who had grown up with you since you were kids on stage with everyone's eyes on him. my bud is a star.. lol, you think. so you enjoy the show,, kind of. vaguely you remember the facebook scene.. the parts where your bud did his duet with a girl named gail i think, and even more so the parts where his voice cracked and you laughed and thought oooh no. he's gonna beat himself up for that!you also saw what you thought was emyza's girlfriend.but thats not important. so you feel all happy and proud and excited as you wait for your best bud to come out to meet you. you wait around and find him amongst friends so you wait till he's done. he glances at you a few times and you think what the heck is his problem, give me a wave or something already. then he runs past you. and you think whatt theee.. and you growl "oi." he turns back and stares at you for 2 seconds before "OI! what the #$@$! i din't recognise you! blah blah blah@#$@#$ gotta go wish someone happy birthday brb" and so you watch him head off to the party thing. you get a drink and quite a nice thing happened. you're glad you came cause you got to see the campus of your dreams. you wonder how you're gonna get through poly and somehow get a scholarship to get into this awesome campus.you play a visualisation in your head and as you blog you decide to have another movie, a shorter movie to have short term victory marks to keep you motivated, what you've learnt from the 'start your own business for idiots guide' so you sit down...wait for about 10 more mins.. and when he finally appears with some cake in his hand,he glances at you again as you're sitting down plainly on the chair outside in plain view... and you';re sure you have eye contact before you point inside and indicate he should go settle his friends first, in faith he'd come back. that was about 10.25 ..at 10.43 you get curious and you head into the lobby to look for him. he was missing. you thought he could be at some meeting or shit but you see the other lifers there too.. maybe he was helping out the staff or something. sure. you'll wait abit. look around as you notice the stares again.. mostly from girls.(heh) cause if it was also from the guys you'd definitely suspect the ninja. you give polite smiles which faded over time as the room started to empty and you start to question a little harsher. where the HELL is that guy.you asked the staff and he told you that the bus outside was the last one. you decided to give it a miss on account of all the years of friendship.you'd wait till the end.you think that if you are willing to wait that long, so would he. it was 10.50 and all the people you could see were staff clearing up the place. you walk out of the place rather confused and feeling betrayed, each step adding to the weight and the anger. as you reached the bus stop, you shook your head and breathed it all out. you think that, if you call him brother,then you must at least hear him out before you get angry.no matter what he says. you head home thinking it over, going through the lesson you've learnt. and reading the book that you've borrowed.the main lesson you wanted to take home with you was that. truly. don't put all your hope in man, for even a brother can fail you. but place your hope in God, who can never falter. a 21 dollar lesson. i guess it'll be worth every disappointment when i've learnt my lesson. when the going gets tough, this tough will get going.

-------------------------------------

i got back home and i think feeling sentimental?! wrote a letter to my cousin. thanking him and apoligising for my rahter bad behaviour. i think the letter contains
highly personal stuff so i guess i won't divulge. touching on it, its just my pride and about other stuff.

a few random things.i went for assist meet. i perceived a few lessons, dont wanna get any shits. firstly. in business, never trust the word of mouth.must have black and white. friendship means nothing in the face of money. secondly, even with black and white, watch out for loopholes. just dont trust anyone but the black and white and just get everything covered swee swee.

and before i go.
wtf man. how the HECK did i remeber every detail of today so well. myabe its the stlye of writing eh. whatever it is. its late. love y'all. its been a very very meaningful day. yeaap.


whatever it is bro.
i love you no matter what.
if i can love cheena people i think i can love you for who you are.lol.
even if i dont mean much to you eh.
action speaks louder than words

:)